Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just blew my weed a kiss
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
