When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I cut my penus on the lid.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize
