Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
