Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
