You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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