Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
