i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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