its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I need to stop coming to work sober
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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