I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
