I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
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