Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
