high people should be assigned attendants
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
