last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It's shark week go big or go home
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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