I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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