mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We were destined to go to rehab together
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize