I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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