i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
