After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
