cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I fill condoms, not promises.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
