what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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