No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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