I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
