Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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