ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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