legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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