mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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