Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
