Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
