so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
