Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Randomize
