my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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