Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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