I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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