Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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