so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
