i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
