Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
