is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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