I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize