I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
