K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
