the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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