Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
