I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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