last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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