Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
