I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
