She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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