this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
