i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
