how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
