There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
