a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
