Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.Â
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
did i just pee glitter
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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