Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
