Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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