My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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