I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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