Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
